Today I witnessed what is believed to be not what it is supposed to be. The real question I pose is how in the world, when you had the opportunity to change it all for permanent, did you not remember the number one golden rule? You are in charge of stewardship to your spirit in this world known as life?
Currently I am posted up in a coffee shop having me a hottie. She is steaming too! I see that she may be a little too hot and I should be patient to allow her time to cool off a little, otherwise I may burn my tongue trying to take me a drink of this fine beverage. Holding her in my hand is warm and feels oh so good! What I am missing right now is my drink. The casual motion often taken for granted as automatic, when in fact it takes time and preparation to have a sip.
Where am I going with this? Absolutely no where as I lost all train of thought the very moment I started writing. What was supposed to happen was inspiration to get me going and start off with a witty statement about how effed up it is in my life right now. I mean I'm not diagnosed with a terminal illness, or completely homeless right now, but I can't pay my bills which at my age is the illness!
I have worked so many jobs and been through so many interviews and workshops that I cannot stand the words "be seated." I stand up everywhere now. In my mind it makes me look like I was next in line. I stand up to take a dump, I'm so pissed off right now.
The other day at a Japanese restaurant I got kicked out because I wouldnt sit on the floor. I thought I was hardcore too, until Yamaku came out with this big ass sword! I pretended I had to take a call and walked outside, trying to save face. I stole someone's phone because I don't have one. I can't pay the bill remember. I got no money.
Here's how effed up I am. I tried to teach myself music production from scratch. You know T-Pain it, Teddy Riley, Timbaland, Dr. Dre, Dark Child my situation. I figured if I can learn the process, then learn the game of how to get paid from making 1 song, that I could put all of my pain and anger, love and hurt, joy and peace into one song and become an overnight sensation for atleast 1 week worth of time and feed my family the rest of my life. It's what i thought. Well, apparently there is more to making music than knowing how to make music. What I did not take into consideration is that people aren't making their own music and steal your music and put their name on it.
No one told me this. Well, before i insenuate i made a hit song you've heard before, let me start here. The Studio is a club. I have never seen so many women in one small area before in my life. The cover charge is more and billed hourly and the producer smokes more weed than the rappers. The sound engineer is an alcoholic with terets syndrome and the average artist can't even sing or rap. When you go to the studio from the hood don't expect Quincy Jones like work ethic because people in the hood go to the studio for the appearance of doing something.
But before I get into what it's like in a studio session, let me take it back to learning what it takes to make a track or beats. I had no equipment. I spent all my downtime hanging out in music stores and asking questions that demonstrated the equipment to see what device I can use to create my million dollar song. I spent so much time in these stores that they would call the other stores to warn that I was headed their way once I get kicked out or run off. The funny part is I learned how to make a basic beat on their equipment but didn't know enough to make it pop. In my head I hear the song as it needs to be heard for me to have success and collect my million dollars. What you heard in the store however was the same keys being played over and over again with different beats under them.
I CAN'T PLAY AN INSTRUMENT WHICH SUCKS ASS LIKE DIRTY ROCKS AND DONKEY DICKS.
But before I get into critique's of my ups and downs in music creation let's start with me learning or teaching myself how to sing. I would as a youngster when no one was home try to sing every song that I liked. What I learned in this process is that in the studio they do things to make people sound good or hit keys because for the life of me I couldn't figure out how some people did it. I tried exercises, hot tea and lemon, no pop, warm water, and relaxation techniques to calm my vocal chords and do my pretty bird. Well, needless to say I learned it's better to whisper your song than try to scream your way through it.
But before I get into how do I sing, let's go back to my first time on stage and was scared to death. I was in kindergarden. The teacher made us decorate these paper bags with paint and cut outs of ears. We cut eye holes in them and everything. Well this entire time apparently I did not get the memo that we are going to perform a song wearing these masks. One day I get to school at night and the whole kindergarden class is backstage getting ready. We are all lined up and the curtain is unveiled. I'm in the back but looking out into the audience. In my mind everybody is staring at me.I'm scared shitless. I start crying and keep crying during the entire song. I'm all off key, off tempo and I done abandoned the whole routine because all I want to know is what did I do to make everybody stare at me.
MY POINT IS THIS
There is always going to be something effed up about what you choose to do. You can either cry about it and let it destroy your learning experience, or you can learn that you were given multiple opportunities in life to redeem yourself and make better choices. Preparation is part of it but not all of it.
There are just some things you are never going to be prepared for.
Men. Do you really think you are prepared to witnesses "child birth?" No! Ladies? Do you think you are really prepared to handle a man's fetish and fantasy about rubbing you down in body oil and then washing it off again, just to cover you in green jello and whip cream as he whispers to you in a pirate voice saying things such as "Argh" or "Ahoy Matey?" Well, if you are prepared for that then you are a bonified freak, because I don't know anybody who could be prepared for some real life shizzle like that.
My point is there are just certain things about everything you can only react to in your best attempt to respond in an adequate and grown up fashion or manner.
Case in point. I was taught that we only need love when having a relationship and that loooooove, is all it takes. What I was not advised of is that Loooooove has guidelines and parameters of things like giving up your identity as a man, your life, your common sense, your humor, your taste, your dreams, your money, your friends, your way of doing things, so that you won't be alone and have someone tell you they love you on your birthday, valentines day, and your anniversary. Also, I was unaware that once you fall in love that you give up sex after the 32 kuffs have been met.
32 kuffs? That's when you have had sexual relations 32 times, the quota has been met and is supposed to last you a lifetime or at the least the rest of your life. Then once the quota is met you are only allowed to have sex once out of the three options mentioned earlier.
Well, that's my time. Mabey you learned something mabey I taught nothing. All I know is when I make this one song and get it heard I will no longer have to worry about where I am going to sleep, eat, live, breathe, what I am going to drive, car note, mortgage, insurance, because I will have all the love in the world and that is going to carry me far enough!
SINNER SAINT
